Soon the family will have money enough to feast properly. 

Mr Frodo Samwise Hamfast Gardner-Hill-Gamgee-Gardner, the last scion of an ancient Shire family, has been forced to offer certain paintings belonging to his estate for sale in order to pay the death duties for his father, the late Sir Bilbo Samwise Harding Meriadoc Rafe Gardner-Hill-Gamgee-Gardner.

Starting Bid

  1. "The Slaying of the Witch-King" by Dante Gabriel Rossetti. Observe the semi-erotic tension between  Éowyn and the half-horrified, half-expectant Morgul King  as she prepares to drive her blade into him.

Ha, ha, ha -- serious bids only, please. 

 2. "An Unexpected Party" by James McNeill Whistler. Whistler has treated the country squire, Bilbo Baggins, (in the centre) in a half-mocking manner by exaggerating the redness of his face and the bulge of his stomach under the bright yellow vest. The mountains looming in the background do not truly exist; it is believed that they symbolize the Sackville-Bagginses' contestation of Bilbo's will. 

Move along. You already know you can't afford it. 

 3. "Lúthien Dancing in the Woods" by Aubrey Beardsley. A prime example of this artist's voluptuous sensuality, in which the dancing maid's nakedness is emphasized rather than hidden by her long hair. 

You should live so long.

Sorry, no previews. Are you over 18?

 4. "The Battle of the Pelennor Fields" by Horace Vernet. This painting is famous for its meticulous rendering of every detail in the historical battle Note, for example, the detailed, gory heads being catapulted into the besieged city by Sauron's war machines or the screaming Southerner impaled on Éomer's sword in the foreground.

Forget it. 

 5. "Denethor the Ruling Steward" by John Sargent Singer. This proud aristocrat is depicted in one of his favourite attitudes - with his hand on the hilt of the hidden sword he never used in battle. His other hand points mysteriously at a round object under a piece of cloth - no doubt the palantír he used to watch pornographic movies in. 

Sold!  To someone else! 

That's the No Smoking sign, you moron!

 6. "Frodo Puts on the Ring on Mount Doom" by Gustave Doré. Observe the stylized blast from the volcano. Frodo himself is, of course, invisible.

 7. "A Short Cut to Mushrooms" by Salvador Dalí. The exact nature of the persons and objects depicted here is contested. Many believe that the Troll crucified on the piano is Bill Huggins. There is general agreement that the two dead hobbits beside the stack of umbrellas are either Frodo and Sam or Merry and Pippin - or possibly Hamfast Gamgee and Fatty Bolger. The man in a dirty mackintosh is undoubtedly Tom Bombadil. The sickly green corpse is probably Farmer Maggot - he has multiplied inside the decaying body.

I'm telling your parole officer! 

 8. "Shadowfax" by Marc Chagall. On this painting, Shadowfax is a nauseous green colour, either induced by airsickness (he is after all hovering above the rooftops) or else because he symbolizes, with one aspect of his being, the fourth horse of the Apocalypse. The fiddler beside Shadowfax may be Celeborn.

No, smaller isn't cheaper!

And that's how much money you'd need to buy it. 

 9. "The Gaffer's Wheelbarrow" by Marcel Duchamps. Well, that's what it is, actually. 

Ditto. Nice try.

 10. "Screaming Nazgûl" by Francis Bacon. Notice that though the Nazgûl's face cannot be seen, its teeth can. Also that the Nazgûl appears to have had a very clumsy dentist.

Who let you in here?

 11. "The Coronation of Elessar Telcontar" by Paul Klee. There are two possible interpretations of this picture. The small red triangle may be King Elessar and the large white square may be Gandalf; alternatively, the red triangle may be the sun shining on the coronation, held under the auspices of Gandalf the White.

Security!

 12. "Hobbit Wedding" by Pieter Brueghel the Elder. Observe the contrast between the drunk, vomiting hobbit on the left and the vigorous dancers of the springle-ring on the right, with a balancing centrepiece in the shape of an elderly hobbit advising the newly-weds about something he probably forgot all about fifty years ago.

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